YALC is happening and I'm freaking out!

The thing about anxiety is that there is no room for excitement. If you think about it anxiety is pretty much the opposite of excitement and so it makes sense that even when I'm really looking forward to something my default reaction is to freak out and worry about it.

YALC is happening in a few days and my anxiety is really kicking in. I hate that anxiety takes away all of the fun in looking forward to something but I also know from years of experience that all of the worst case scenarios that my head is making up are very unlikely to actually happen. Today I thought it might be therapeutic to share all of my worries with you guys because who knows? Maybe some of you have felt the same way or are also having similar worries about YALC.

Anxiety and OCD
1.) Part of my OCD means that I need my days to be as scheduled as possible. I'm probably the least spontaneous person you'll ever meet. Although I have a schedule written up for YALC I know that this probably isn't going to go to plan. Panel's might run out of tickets, I might be queuing for longer than anticipated for signings, and with the workshop tickets having a lottery system there's no guarantee that I'll get into them at all. Knowing that my day won't be perfectly structured is a really difficult thing for me to deal with.

2.) I'm going to YALC with my best friend Rachel but there are a couple of things we want to do separately. There is also the chance that one of us will get into a workshop and the other won't. This means that there will be times where I'm going to be alone in a really busy crowd which can sometimes lead to a panic attack.

3.) What if I have a panic attack when I'm in a queue and I have to leave and forfeit my place? What if I have a panic attack because I'm in a crowd and feeling claustrophobic? What if I have a panic attack and I'm alone? I know I can always go outside for some space and fresh air and luckily our hotel is 5 minutes away if I feel like I need a longer break but when I'm in the midst of an attack I'm not always thinking clearly.

General Worries
1.) My brain does this thing where it likes to think of every worst case scenario that could happen and torture me with it: Missing a train, forgetting tickets, horrible hotel, lost booking, finding where we need to go etc; I'm especially worried about the things that are my responsibility such as looking after the tickets which links back to my OCD and having to check that they're in my bag several times.

2.) What if nobody likes me? It's one thing talking to bloggers, authors and publicists online but meeting them? What if I'm not who they expect me to be? What if I'm a disappointment? What if I don't fit in? I haven't been to a proper blogger event before and I'm really nervous to meet so many online people at once. Especially as I know that after years of blogging and going to events a lot of other bloggers know one another really well and although I've been doing this for a long time this will be my first time meeting everyone and that scares me. Should I approach people and say hello? Or would they rather be left alone?

3.) Being an anxious person I tend to be either really quiet or full of nervous energy and chatting away none stop. I'm very socially awkward and have always said that I communicate better through my hands and writing than I do with talking. What if I come across as a nervous babbling idiot?

Some of you might be reading this thinking "if you're that worried why bother going at all?" The thing with anxiety is that it's not fact. They're just thoughts and the worst case scenarios hardly ever happen. I know full well that I'll probably have one of the best weekends of my life but that doesn't stop my brain from ruining the anticipation. All too often in my life anxiety has held me back and my approach to dealing with it over the last couple of years is feel the fear and do it anyway. I also love these quotes from Just One Day by Gayle Forman a book that really changed my life.

“I think everything is happening all the time, but if you don't put yourself in the path of it, you miss it.” ― Gayle Forman, Just One Day 

“It's funny the things you think you're scared of until they're upon you, and then you're not.” ― Gayle Forman, Just One Day 

I think you do things that scare you, and that makes you braver than those adrenaline junkies who bungee-jump off bridges.” ― Gayle Forman, Just One Day 

“You thought too hard. Same with travel. You can't work too much at it, or it feels like work. You have to surrender yourself to the chaos. To the accidents.” ― Gayle Forman, Just One Day

These particular quotes for this particular event hold a double meaning as not only do they help me face my fears but they also remind me of why I love books and the whole reason behind this event in the first place.

I'm hoping that YALC will be one great and beautiful accident.

Letterbox Love (37) Books From The Past Few Weeks

Letterbox Love is a meme hosted by Lynsey @ Narratively Speaking for UK based book bloggers to showcase the books that they’ve received each week.

Hi lovelies! Here is my haul for February so far and it's pretty exciting! I received so many books from all different genre's some of which I've already read and were absolutely brilliant. My TBR is full of fantastic books right now and I feel like a kid in a sweet shop. In other bookish news I was delighted to find I had been quoted in another book and I also received a Valentines card from one of my favourite book boyfriends - not many people can say that right? But more on that later...Here is my book haul for February so far.

Don't Look Back by Jennifer L. Armentrout (Proof Copy)
This one dropped through my letterbox yesterday and I didn't know what it was at first 1.) Because I didn't recognise the cover and 2.) Because I didn't realise it was being published in the UK. And then I read the synopsis and did a happy dance when I realised it was one of my most anticipated books of 2014 in disguise. This sounds like a brilliant thriller and I can't wait to read it!
Sweet Damage by Rebecca James
This one sounds like another brilliant thriller! I've wanted to read something by Rebecca James for such a long time so this looks like my chance!
A Single Breath by Lucy Clarke (Proof Copy)
The Sea Sisters by the same author is a book I really wanted to read last year and just didn't have time to get around to so I'm hoping to read both A Single Breath and The Sea Sisters this spring because Lucy Clarke sounds like an author I'd love!
The Shock of the Fall by Nathan Filer
I'm SO excited for this book guys! It recently won the Costa Book Award and has been labelled 'one of the best books about mental illness' by Jo Brand a former mental health nurse. I believe that the author himself has also worked as a mental health nurse so I'm expecting good things from this one.

The Dead Wife's Handbook by Hannah Beckerman
This is another book that I'm ridiculously excited to read! All of my blog friends who have read it have absolutely loved it and I've spoken to the author Hannah on Twitter and she's so lovely. This is her debut novel and is about a woman who is dead who has to go through the stages of grief and watch her family move on without her. It sounds like such an emotional and beautiful read and I'm going to be picking it up very soon!
Sleuth or Dare by Robin Benway
Okay, so I haven't read the first book in this series yet but now I have the second one I can read both back to back. Robin Benway is one of my favourite authors and I seriously have to check this series out already!
Amy and Matthew by Cammie McGovern
I LOVED THIS BOOK! It's about a girl with Cerebral Palsy and a guy with OCD and their beautiful friendship. I'm going to have a review for this one up soon but if you're a fan of Eleanor and Park you want this book.
Cress by Marissa Meyer
This one arrived as a belated birthday present from the lovely Ellie and it was belated because she had it on pre-order for me. Needless to say I devoured this one pretty much straight away and it is my favourite of the series so far! Roll on Winter!

Fire and Flood by Victoria Scott
I just finished reading this book last night and I really enjoyed it! People seem to either love or hate this book but it's actually one of the only dystopian books that has held my interest in a very long time. I couldn't put it down and now really want a Pandora! I'll have a review up for this one soon.
Half Bad by Sally Green (Proof Copy)
Two copies of this actually arrived for review by mistake and so I'm giving away my spare copy on the blog now if you want to go and enter. This is another one of my most anticipated books of 2014 and the early hype has been through the roof with comparisons to J.K Rowling! I'm going to be reading this one very soon.
Where the Rock Splits the Sky by Philip Webb
I haven't heard too much about this one so far but the synopsis sounds interesting.
Shattered by Teri Terry
I'm so excited for this! My lovely friend Cait who works at the publishing house sent me out a copy of this for review. I really love this series and can't wait to see how Kyla's story ends. When I opened it up there was a little surprise on the first page but more on that a bit later...

 E-books For Review

 

Once again Netgalley and Edelweiss had too many tempting titles to resist. And that is all I have to say about that.

 Bookish Things

In case you missed my super subtle hint earlier on in this post I got quoted in another book! My quote is in the last book of the Slated Trilogy Shattered and I had no idea until I opened the book. This is the 11th book I've been quoted in now and it's still as exciting as the first time it happened.

I also received a lovely valentines card and chocolate heart from Mal from The Grisha Trilogy and I felt really special until I realised that he'd sent a card to all of the girls in the #GrishaArmy *sighs* I suppose I will just have to share him. Seriously though, massive thanks to Nina at Indigo for this it was such a lovely Valentines surprise! Publishers are awesome people.

As always thank you to the lovely publishing folk for the review copies. If you decided to do a Letterbox Love, Book Haul, IMM, Showcase Sunday, Mailbox Monday or whatever else featuring the books you got this week leave me a link as I’d love to check out your books too! ^_^ 

 Happy reading till next time!

Spoiler Review/ Discussion on Clockwork Princess by Cassandra Clare

Clockwork Princess by Cassandra Clare 
Publisher: Walker
Release: 19th March 2013
Genre: Steampunk, Paranormal Romance, Historical Fiction, Young Adult
Rating: 5/5 stars
Source: Bought

Goodreads Summary: 

"Tessa Gray should be happy - aren't all brides happy? Yet as she prepares for her wedding, a net of shadows begins to tighten around the Shadowhunters of the London Institute. A new demon appears, one linked by blood and secrecy to Mortmain, the man who plans to use his army of pitiless automatons, the Infernal Devices, to destroy the Shadowhunters. Mortmain needs only one last item to complete his plan. He needs Tessa. And Jem and Will, the boys who lay equal claim to Tessa's heart, will do anything to save her."

WARNING 
This is the third and final book in The Infernal Devices trilogy and WILL contain spoilers not only from the first two books but Clockwork Princess itself. I usually don’t write spoiler reviews but could not review this book any other way and I found it therapeutic to get my feelings on what happened out there. In short Clockwork Princess was INCREDIBLE go read it and then come back and discuss, okay?

Review/Discussion 

"“You know that feeling,” she said, “when you are reading a book, and you know that it is going to be a tragedy; you can feel the cold and darkness coming, see the net drawing tight around the characters who live and breathe on the pages. But you are tied to the story as if being dragged behind a carriage and you cannot let go or turn the course aside.”" ― Cassandra Clare, Clockwork Princess 

A lot of people rave about The Mortal Instruments series and whilst I do enjoy those books The Infernal Devices is one of my favourite series of all time and so I was anxious and excited for Clockwork Princess and was literally counting down the days on my calendar for this final instalment. I raced through this 568 page monster in less than 48 hours and by the end my eyes actually hurt from all of the tears I had shed. Happy tears, sad tears and tears of pure grief over this series ending.

On Plot, Mortmain, and Links to The Mortal Instruments:-
Clockwork Princess is one of Cassie’s more slower paced novels plot wise. Instead of lots of action and fight scenes the book is very emotionally driven and the focus is mostly on saying a final farewell to these beloved characters. I kind of wished the take down of Mortmain was longer, all of these books were building up to this twisted villain who in the end got snuffed out like a bug. However I was really happy that Tessa was the one to kill Mortmain it was so ironic and felt so right. When Tessa changed into her Angel I literally gasped, I didn’t see that one coming at all and although I was expecting a bigger final battle it was a fitting end to Mortmain.

One of the things I love about this series is the foreshadowing Cassandra Clare does for The Mortal Instruments. In this book we find out that Henry and Magnus actually created the portals which I loved. We also find out how Church ends up in New York and Magnus’s comment on all Lightwood’s looking the same had me in stitches! One thing I did pick up on that I haven’t seen anybody else comment on was how Clary’s middle name is Adele. Clary and Adele (Tessa’s mother) were both Shadowhunters who were brought up as Mundanes and I wonder if Cassandra Clare intended to give us a clue to the Adele story-line by the use of that name. Its little details like this that I absolutely love about the books set in this world. Cassandra Clare’s world building is so rich and detailed.

On Characters, Relationships and Teams:-
It was so hard saying goodbye to the characters in this book; I love all of them so dearly! Charlotte was such a bad ass and I absolutely loved her strength. Henry was adorable and I loved his friendship with Magnus in this book – finally somebody who gets his genius! Sophie and Bridget were courageous and loyal and Cecily was a wonderful new character who reminded me so much of Isabelle! I loved Will and Cecily’s relationship and how protective Will was of his little sister. I also grew to really love the Lightwood brothers in this book as they struggle between family loyalty and doing the right thing. I was so pleased with who everyone ended up with and that everybody got a happy ending – hurray to not killing anybody off! I’m really going to miss this family of the London Institute.

Of course this series wouldn’t be what it is without our beloved trio Will, Jem and Tessa. I’ve never been purely Team Will or Team Jem. I wanted both of them to be happy and loved both boys so much. I always wished that there was a way for Tessa to be with both of them but couldn’t see how that would work so I was mighty impressed that Cassie found a way to make that happen. No matter what team you’re on I feel like both sides have their share of heartbreak and happiness in this book.

“Most people are lucky enough to have even one great love in their life. You have found two.” ― Cassandra Clare, Clockwork Princess 

What blew me away about Clockwork Princess and what made this book so phenomenal in my opinion was the complexity of our trio’s relationship. Will and Jem are like two halves of a whole – literal soul mates. Their relationship was really well explored and described to us in this book and I consider their friendship up there with the greats like Harry, Ron and Hermione and Frodo and Sam. Cassandra Clare made me feel and understand their relationship and what it means to be Parabatai. To my surprise Jem and Will’s relationship became the most important relationship to me in this series. Their heart to hearts was the source of most of my tears over Clockwork Princess.

On THAT Epilogue:-

“They say you cannot love two people equally at once,” she said. “And perhaps for others that is so. But you and Will—you are not like two ordinary people, two people who might have been jealous of each other, or who would have imagined my love for one of them diminished by my love of the other. You merged your souls when you were both children. I could not have loved Will so much if I had not loved you as well. And I could not love you as I do if I had not loved Will as I did.” ― Cassandra Clare, Clockwork Princess

I know that the epilogue is causing a lot of conflict between the fandom especially for Will fans but you know what guys? No one would be happier with that epilogue than Will. It’s that simple. I personally LOVED the epilogue. I LOVED that both boys got to be happy with Tessa in their lifetimes. There is NO WAY that Will would want Tessa to live out eternity a lonely, grieving, widow and he would be so happy that Jem and Tessa had each other. And I’m sorry but if you think otherwise do you really know Will Herondale at all!? Have we even been reading about the same character!? I can seriously imagine him doing a little jig and singing a song about it up in Shadowhunter heaven. I, unlike a lot of readers, didn’t feel like either love belittled the other but instead created something special, something greater. I think that Tessa, Will and Jem’s circumstance is a unique one that required a unique ending I don’t think a lot of authors could have pulled that epilogue off but for this story it worked beautifully.

Overall Clockwork Princess was a phenomenal if bittersweet ending. I usually hate love triangles but Cassandra Clare has created the ultimate triangle in The Infernal Devices one of respect, love and loyalty that runs from angle to angle between all three characters. I’m now going through a mourning period over the end of what has become one all my all-time favourite series. Clockwork Princess was a masterpiece of a conclusion and The Infernal Devices will always hold a special place in my heart.

“Every meeting led to a parting, and so it would, as long as life was mortal. In every meeting there was some of the sorrow of parting, but in everything parting there was some of the joy of meeting as well.” ― Cassandra Clare, Clockwork Princess